Understanding Relationship Conflict
Most people in a relationship will ask themselves at some point why they are having conflicts with their partner. In a nutshell, conflict comes when we’re not getting our needs met from the relationship. When a partner is not getting their needs met, they will resort to one of two strategies: a) suppressing the emotion and then doing things like shutting down, getting defensive, applying logic and reason, or walking away; or b) moving to anger and then criticising, attacking, raising their voice, or speaking in a sharp tone. You can think of these things like throwing spears. These spears can lead to a cycle where the original issue gets lost but each person is just responding to the last spear that was thrown by throwing one of their own. Both feel not heard and disconnected.
The problem with spears is that they are hard to understand. They are pointy, sharp, and they hurt. The important message that the person is trying to share gets lost. Underneath the spears though there are a few issues that need to get resolved. This is what really drives conflict and what partners need help to resolve so that they no longer need to throw the spears. The most common issues that trigger conflict are:
Needs relating to differences. This is the most common source of conflict and it comes from sharing a life with someone who’s brain works differently to ours. Because of these differences, we will need different things from one another. One person may like more space while the other may like more time together. One may like to save money while the other may like to enjoy what they have. One might believe that their children need more boundaries while the other might believe in being more flexible. There may be differences in libido. There may be one partner who likes their partner to just listen rather than telling them how to solve the problem. Perhaps one partner doesn’t get along with a family member of the other. The list goes on. When we have a difference between us and our partner, it means that they may not understand our needs. It can also mean that our needs clash. The extent that our partner meets our needs is the biggest determinant to our satisfaction in our relationship. But if they don’t understand them or we can’t resolve when they clash, not only will we enter into conflict, but we’ll also be left with needs not being met.
Unhealed emotional wounds. If there has been a betrayal, infidelity, or a break of trust in a relationship, the person who experienced this event will not feel secure or safe in the relationship. They will feel hurt and sometimes heartbroken. Until those feelings have been healed and the couple can repair from what’s happened, the person who was hurt will often fight to try and heal. It could involve asking lots of questions, attacking the person, getting angry, being critical, or withdrawing and being distant.
Past traumas. Some people have had past traumas, often originating in childhood but it can also be from previous relationships or other such life events. When their current partner does or says something small, it can trigger a big reaction in the person, even though they were not the ones who created the trauma. For example, if someone has experienced abandonment in their childhood, their partner saying they are going to go out with friends can trigger the feeling of abandonment and a big reaction ensues.
Detachment. This is the term that is used when someone has fallen out of love. When one person has fallen out of love, it can mean that they do not desire physical intimacy and closeness and can be less attentive to their partner’s needs. These behaviours, or simply the lack of strong feelings from their partner, can mean the other person feels something is missing and can fight to try and regain it.
Addictions. Whether it is alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other such substances and activities, an addiction can create insecurity and disconnection for the other person. A key part of relationships is the ability to know your partner is there for you, able to help you if you need, present and being themselves. Addictions take away all those things and the person will often fight to try and get their partner to stop such addictive behaviours, leading to conflict.
Neurodivergence. If a partner has a brain that would fit with the concept of ADHD, Autism, Bipolar, or other such tendencies, it will naturally create an unusual experience for the partner. They are not used to the impulsivity that comes with ADHD, the difficulty in reading social cues that Autistic people tend to experience, or the highs and lows that go with Bipolar.
There can be other causes of conflict not included in the above list such as chronic lying, physical violence, or putting a child at serious risk of harm. These are more rare but they do occur.
An experienced and well-qualified couples counsellor should explore what is driving the conflict and outline a therapeutic process to address it. They should then help the couple on the journey of repair using the process outlined.