Resolving Differences in a Relationship

One common source of conflict is due to the differences between each partner in a relationship. This leads to not getting one’s needs met from the relationship. Even if it does not lead to conflict, it can create tension, distance, or simply dissatisfaction. When couples talk about growing apart, it is actually because they are not resolving their differences effectively.

Differences usually appear in a few common areas:

  • How to divide house chores

  • Finances

  • Physical intimacy (e.g. frequency, how adventurous to be, understanding what each partner likes, what is needed to be in the mood)

  • How to raise children

  • What to do in the couple’s spare time

  • How to manage competing relationships (such as the other’s family, friends, children from a prior relationship, the ex-wife/husband of one partner etc.)

  • Closeness (such as, how much time to spend together and how much to open up to one another)

  • How to assist the partner when they are dealing with feelings and emotions (for example, when they are stressed, have had a bad day, or are feeling sad)

These differences relate to needs. When we have a difference between us and our partner, it means that they may not understand our needs. It can also mean that our needs clash. The extent that our partner meets our needs is the biggest determinant to our satisfaction in our relationship.

People often point to these differences as being the problem. Some people may even say that they need to find someone else who is not as different on whatever aspect is causing problems. However, it is a mistake to point to the differences as being the problem. Couples with the greatest of differences can have the healthiest of relationships. What is important is their mechanism for resolving differences. People often call this communication - and they are partially right - but in fact, what makes the communication work well or not is the way each partner manages their emotions.

When couples don’t have the best of mechanisms for resolving differences, what emerges is one of two patterns:

  1. Escalated conflict where partners are either criticising/attacking or shutting down

  2. No conflict but the issue is not being addressed, it is ignored or swept under the carpet

It is easy to look at couples who have the non-conflict pattern as being healthier as they look like they aren’t fighting but in fact this is just as problematic as the first style as the issues are not being addressed and this slowly corrodes the relationship. The first is like fire and the second is like rust - they are both destructive.

Emotionally Focused Therapy aims at helping couples develop a more effective mechanism for resolving differences. This will not only allow partners to resolve their current issues but will mean they can resolve whatever differences or issues arise in the future. What does it involve? Here are the steps an Emotionally Focused Therapist will take you through to build this new, more effective way of resolving differences:

1. We map out the current pattern. The ineffective way each partner uses to deal with their needs not being met will lead to a pattern between the two partners. This is escalated conflict style or the withdrawing/silence style that was described earlier. To be able to break the old pattern and develop a new more healthy way to resolve differences, the couple will need to start by understanding what their current pattern is. This allows the couple to recognise when they are falling into it. It also allows each partner to see their part in the conflict. For some, this is enough to start to reduce the conflict or change the pattern, although for others, they will need the alternative way in order to make that change.

2. Develop the alternative way. Only understanding what we are doing wrong is never enough to make a change - we also need to know what to do instead. This next stage is aimed that - assisting each partner to develop that alternative way of expressing their needs or navigating the resolution when their needs clash with those of their partner. This new, more effective way, is largely a function of how each partner responds or manages their emotions and so the therapist will work at that level. For example, rather than getting angry, the therapist will assist that person to tap into the emotions below the anger. And rather than shutting down or suppressing one’s emotions, the therapist will assist in bringing them out.

3. Wrapping up. The therapist will usually do a final session where they will pull everything that was worked on and changed together. They may look at pitfalls to be careful of. They may provide a ‘cheat-sheet’ which is basically a summary of everything that was learn through the sessions, to supplement the experiential learning of the therapeutic process. They may discuss briefly the concept of relationship maintenance and what each partner needs to be mindful about as they move forward. Sometimes the therapist may organise a second session in this stage 6-8 weeks away to make sure that everything continues well but often that is not necessary. The wrap up is usually just one to two sessions.

Those 3 steps or stages are what is required to transform the relationship into one where the couple can navigate through their own differences effectively and get their needs met from the relationship - both now and in the future.