Resolving Differences in a Relationship

One common source of conflict is due to the differences between each partner in a relationship. This leads to not getting one’s needs met from the relationship. Even if it does not lead to conflict, it can create tension, distance, or simply dissatisfaction. When couples talk about growing apart, it is actually because they are not resolving their differences effectively.

Differences usually appear in a few common areas:

  • How to divide house chores

  • Finances

  • Physical intimacy (e.g. frequency, how adventurous to be, understanding what each partner likes, what is needed to be in the mood)

  • How to raise children

  • What to do in the couple’s spare time

  • How to manage competing relationships (such as the other’s family, friends, children from a prior relationship, the ex-wife/husband of one partner etc.)

  • Closeness (such as, how much time to spend together and how much to open up to one another)

  • How to assist the partner when they are dealing with feelings and emotions (for example, when they are stressed, have had a bad day, or are feeling sad)

These differences relate to needs. When we have a difference between us and our partner, it means that they may not understand our needs. It can also mean that our needs clash. The extent that our partner meets our needs is the biggest determinant to our satisfaction in our relationship.

People often point to these differences as being the problem. Some people may even say that they need to find someone else who is not as different on whatever aspect is causing problems. However, it is a mistake to point to the differences as being the problem. Couples with the greatest of differences can have the healthiest of relationships. What is important is their mechanism for resolving differences. People often call this communication - and they are partially right - but in fact, what makes the communication work well or not is the way each partner manages their emotions.

When couples don’t have the best of mechanisms for resolving differences, what emerges is one of two patterns:

  1. Escalated conflict where partners are either criticising/attacking or shutting down

  2. No conflict but the issue is not being addressed, it is ignored or swept under the carpet

It is easy to look at couples who have the non-conflict pattern as being healthier as they look like they aren’t fighting but in fact this is just as problematic as the first style as the issues are not being addressed and this slowly corrodes the relationship. The first is like fire and the second is like rust - they are both destructive.

Emotionally Focused Therapy aims at helping couples develop a more effective mechanism for resolving differences. This will not only allow them to resolve their current issues but will mean they can resolve whatever differences or issues arise in the future.