The Dangers of Individual Therapy for Relationship Problems
One phenomena that has been noticeable in the past decade is the increase in people seeking therapy. People are now more open to talking about their problems and taking on professional guidance on how to deal with them. The demand for psychologists has burgeoned as a result as they are often seen to be at the top of the pile of talk therapists (whether this perception is warranted or not is another question). In addition to turning to therapists more, the past decade has also seen an explosion in the amount of information that is now available on psychology related topics through the internet and social media.
This increase in using therapy is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it has helped countless people understand their problematic patterns of behaviour, traumas, diverse brains, and skills to deal with those. It has made people feel less isolated with their problems, feeling understood, healing of emotional wounds, and improvements in dealing with life and wellbeing. But it has also come at a cost. And this is to relationships.
Over the years of working with couples, I have seen a pattern emerge. Someone is struggling with something in a relationship. It could be a one-off event or a behaviour that has occurred over a long time. It could be many behaviours or one main one. The person feels emotionally impacted by this. They seek help. The therapist or psychologist listens and then will do one of several things. They may validate how unacceptable this behaviour is. They may talk about imposing boundaries. They may label the other person as abusive (emotionally or otherwise) or as a narcissist (or having narcissistic traits). The client feels better. The relationship suffers or breaks down instead of being repaired. The problem is this:
When working individually, the person only hears one side of the story. It always sounds worse when you hear one side. It also means you’re personally affected - it stirs up the empathy you’ll feel for the person and outrage to the person who has created these feelings. You don’t hear the suffering of the other, which is likely equal but just from different things. It’s not even that the person is downplaying their part, we often just don’t see the impact we’re having on the other person. Relationships are also the place where you’ll feel the strongest feelings and be the most impacted and that magnifies the impact of hearing just one side.
It entrenches the view that one person is the innocent victim and the other the person is behaving or has behaved inappropriately. This is dangerous as the very thing you work at in couples counselling is helping each see how they are impacting the other and contributing to the problem.
The opportunity for growth together is lost. Yes, one person is sharing their suffering but the other is suffering too. If they were able to each share their suffering, they could grow together. But that doesn’t happen in individual therapy.
The techniques or strategies suggested for suffering less are not helpful. An individual therapist or psychologist is trained primarily in individual strategies. And these are communicated to the client - setting boundaries, protecting oneself or the children, communicating clearly how unacceptable the behaviour is, communicating clearly what you want your partner to do, calling out the behaviour or labelling it, creating distance, or even leaving the relationship - these are all examples of the types of strategies that are suggested. But none of them will work to improve an intimate relationship (they may be appropriate for ones that are with people less close to you such as people at work or extended family members etc). Why are they inappropriate? They don’t take into account the other partner’s feelings and they don’t lead to long-term change.
Working with a relationship is different to working with an individual. You need to understand how each person is impacting the other. You need to provide tools that are suited to being in love with someone, caring about them so deeply, and yet suffering from some of their behaviours. But ensuring that those tools do not go on to impact the partner. You need tools that both can use - at the same time.
Let’s take the example of boundaries and how it doesn’t work for a romantic relationship. Let’s use the example of one partner, we’ll call her Jane, who is wanting to maintain her friendship with a guy called Luke, but her partner, John, feels uncomfortable with that. John feels like Luke is really into her and has shown that interest in the past. But Jane says that she has no feelings for Luke and so doesn’t think John should be able to tell her who she can hang out with. If Jane were to apply her boundaries here, it might involve making it clear to John that he can’t dictate who she can and can’t spend time with. She might even call him controlling or jealous and suggest he needs to work on those things. But what if John also applies his boundaries - that you don’t hang out with people of the opposite sex where one person has feelings when in a committed relationship? Some people might agree with Jane here and others John. But what about whether it is ok to go away for the weekend with that person? Or share a bed, even if nothing happens? We all have different lines that we consider ok and not ok. The problem is that John and Jane’s lines are different. What they need is not to set boundaries but rather to have a way to resolve that difference. This is where couples counselling comes into the picture. A well-trained couples counsellor will be far more effective for relational issues and not risk the damage that can arise from allowing an individual therapist to shape the views that one person has - perhaps flaming the feelings of indignation and outrage further and entrenching the view that is the other person, not us, that is the problem. Individual therapy is great for exactly that, individual problems, but for relationship problems, different tools are needed.