Narcissism and Relationships

You can’t go very far when exploring relationships through Google and social media without coming across the topic of narcissism. This article will provide a novel perspective on this topic.

Let’s start with what it is.

When people use the word ‘Narcissism’ they are usually using the concept of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a personality disorder that appears in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (often referred to as the DSM for short). A personality disorder is considered a deeper and more ingrained way of being in the world that causes problems. This is different to say an anxiety or depressive disorder which is not considered core to the person’s personality and is not as pervasive (the idea is that you could overcome the depression in say 6 months but Narcissism will be with you for a lifetime).

Another aspect of Narcissism that is implied in the term is that the person is a bad person. Whether this is intended or not, I have never heard the word being used without that implication. When someone says ‘my boss is a Narcissist’ or ‘I was married to a Narcissist’ they are essentially saying ‘that person is or was an arsehole’. It is also implied in the term that if there are any problems in a relationship with someone who is considered a Narcissist, it must be that person’s fault.

But, let’s consider a few things. All psychological problems or disorders have some element that is ingrained in our personality. The person with an anxiety disorder probably has a tendency towards anxiety hardwired into their brain. The person who suffers depression may have a deep-seeded tendency towards depression. ADHD can be identified in young children, as can Autism. Basically, most psychological problems we have are a mixture of surface layer behaviours, ways of thinking, and emotions, combined with a deeper tendency that has been there most of our lives. Of course, some people can experience a single depressive episode from say a job loss, a death, or a loss of a relationship, but most problems have deeper origins in our personality.

Most psychological problems and disorders can create harm to others. It is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is always depressed. It can feel restrictive to be around someone who is highly anxious and has an anxiety disorder. Someone who suffers an addiction will create harm and hurt to those around.

Let’s explore further the traits that are often considered to be harmful that someone who’s been labelled as a Narcissist has. Lack of empathy is a common one. The problem with this is that what usually creates empathy is being able to feel emotions strongly. The more strongly someone feels emotions, the more empathy they will have. But, feeling emotions more strongly is a double edged sword - it is both good and bad. It can make someone more sensitive to other people’s feelings but it can also lead them to be manipulative. It can lead someone to be nurturing but it can also lead them to get overwhelmed in stressful environments. On the flip side, feeling emotions less strongly may lead to lower empathy but it can also mean the person follows clear rules to guide their behaviour, rules that are positive for others around. It makes them insensitive to the emotions of others but it can also mean they can take action and do what is needed in high stress environments. Feeling emotions strongly - which is closely linked to empathy - is both a good and bad thing, as is feeling emotions less strongly. Who would you want by your side if your house is attacked and intruders enter - a high or low emotion person?

Or take the self-promotion that is a trait often attributed to people labelled as Narcissist. We all vary in terms of how much confidence we have in ourselves or how defective we feel we are. Some people will be open about those feelings (which is great) and others will try and hide them. Hiding them does not make someone a bad person, it’s just not as good a strategy as the open way. And hiding it can take the form of covering them with examples of how competent we are or not. That may make people around lose trust and not feel good about themselves - who really likes being around a self-promoter - but it does not make the person evil or bad.

What are the consequences of using the label?

For one, it means that we absolve ourselves of all responsibility. Relationship problems are complex. Were we unsupportive of our partner? Did we bring up things in a critical way? Did we assume the worst about them and judge them? Are we shutting ourselves off emotionally from them? Do we get defensive? These are all the things we need to untangle to understand each partner’s part. But if we label the other as a narcissist, we become the innocent victim and they become the baddy.

It also means that we filter everything they do through that lens. If a Narcissist runs late, they are doing it on purpose. Or they don’t care about our time. If a non-narcissist runs late, maybe they got stuck in traffic, were forgetful, or simply were running late. If someone tells us what to do, they are providing well-meaning but misplaced help. We just need them to listen. If a Narcissist tells us what to do they are controlling us. Once someone has been labelled as a Narcissist, everything they do gets interpreted through a negative filter making it impossible to do anything right and making errors or accidents become terrible crimes representative of a terrible person.

It also stops people from seeking to understand the person. Why does this person sometimes get controlling? Why do they insult someone? How come they become demanding? If we label someone as a Narcissist, the answer is simple - because they are a Narcissist. But if we don’t view people from that lens, we can take an interest in what is underneath these behaviours. This can allow change. By understanding why someone does what they do, you can help them respond to their feelings in a different way. Not so if they are a Narcissist - just get as far away from that person as possible is usually the advice.

The final consequence of labelling someone as a Narcissist, is that they are likely to pick up on that negative judgment of them and the way they have been put into a category of being a bad person which can often lead to a self-fulling prophecy - the person will throw up their hands in their air and say to themselves ‘no matter what I do I am labelled bad and so I may as well behave that way’. Then you get the worse of them, not their best.

So rather than labelling people as either Narcissists or not, what can we do instead?

For one, we can seek to understand people and why they are the way they are. What traumas have they experienced in life? How do they feel about themselves deep down? Why do they do what they do? And we can do so with curiosity and openness rather than judgment and labelling.

We can look at the good in people’s traits. Rather than having ‘shallow emotions’ or ‘lack of empathy’, we can see how they are more solution and action oriented rather than operating from emotions. They are rule-based rather than guided by empathy.

We can judge people on their actions rather than a perceived category we place them in.

We can choose how we respond to people’s behaviour which may include saying no, asking people to stop doing something in a gentle way, or even distancing ourselves from people, as a last resort. We can do these things without labelling though.

We can look at why we are attracted to certain people. We are often attracted to someone who complements us, whose strengths are our shortcomings. We can work on those shortcomings in order to attract people who don’t have certain shortcomings that have made us suffer in the past.

We can look at our own part in relationship problems we have with someone rather than blame them. This does not mean we take on all the responsibility for everything but neither does it mean attributing all the issues to ‘they are a Narcissist’. Relationship problems are complex and are often a result of two people’s actions. By identifying our own part, we can learn to have better relationships with those around us.

More understanding and openness, and less judging and labelling. We are all human beings doing the best we can with what we have and with the right tools, everyone can grow and learn.