Affairs and Other Emotional Wounds
Relationships are built on trust, commitment, and unless agreed otherwise, sexual fidelity. To find out that someone has broken the promise of sexual exclusivity is devastating and heartbreaking. It leads to a loss of trust, insecurity and incredible hurt. Depending on the nature of what happened, some people may be unsure if they want to repair or not, while others may be clear that they do. Regardless, work is needed to heal from what happened and ensure nothing like it happens again.
An affair is a form of betrayal but there are many other types of betrayals and breaches of trust that can occur in a relationship. In couples counselling we refer to such incidents as ‘Attachment Injuries’, but they are also sometimes referred to as emotional wounds or relationship wounds. A few examples of Attachment Injuries are:
A sexual affair
An emotional affair - this is where there is a level of contact with someone who could potentially be a sexual partner that is too close and intimate
Inappropriate messaging, sexting, or other such behaviour
Pornography use that is not okay with the partner (different couples may have different ideas of what is okay regarding pornography use)
Not supporting a partner when they are struggling with feeling overwhelmed due to raising children. For example, if a partner is at home with the children and feeling unable to cope but their partner does not provide them the help they need when they reach out for assistance
Being attacked by another person and not getting the support from one’s partner. For example, a member of the partner’s family attacks the person and their partner does not stand up for them.
Not providing the support needed when a partner is dealing with an external adverse event such as a medical problem or workplace bullying
Having gone through a difficult period in the relationship such as when a partner was drinking excessively, using drugs, or they neglected to attend to an important need
Just in the same way that a life-threatening situation can create PTSD, having gone through an Attachment Injury creates an emotional trauma or wound that needs to be healed. We can’t just move on, decide to forgive, or put it behind us unless we go through a healing process. Not doing so blocks a couple from connection and can be the cause of conflict. The person with the Attachment Injury may react strongly to what seems like small things. For example, if there has been an infidelity, just the mere whiff of flirtation or lying can be enough to trigger a strong reaction. Rather than reacting strongly, it can also lead to withdrawing or pulling away. The person may attempt to talk about in order to heal but feels like criticism or an attack to the partner and in response, the other partner shuts down or defends themselves - leading to a cycle of conflict that they struggle to break out of. Or the person tries to ignore the topic but the wound remains and the distance grows.
Fortunately, we now know how to heal from Attachment Injuries. The process involves 3 Stages:
The therapist will help the partner who has the Attachment Injury to express to their partner how they were affected and help the partner to hear that. While it can seem like the person has tried, the therapist will assist in doing so in a way that will allow the other to truly understand the impact they had and for them to show or demonstrate that understanding to the affected partner.
The therapist will explore the cause of the event. This may be something in the person who created the Attachment Injury or between the two partners. The therapist will need to carefully explore the potential causes until the key cause is identified. For example, one partner may have felt ignored or that all the attention was going to the children. The question though is why was that feeling not expressed and addressed? It may be that the mechanism for resolving differences (discussed in a previous page) was not adequate.
Address the cause. Whatever is identified as the key cause, work is needed to fix that issue. Unless the cause is identified and addressed, the partner who has the Attachment Injury will not regain a sense of safety and trust in the relationship because somewhere in the back of their mind, they’ll have a sense of not knowing if the event will reoccur. If the cause is an individual issue (for example, an addiction), that person may need some individual work. If it is an issue in the relationship, the couple may need to do that work together.
Once the couple have successfully moved through these stages, the relationship gets repaired and in fact, couples usually describe their relationship as being better than it ever was, even better than before the event occurred. Often the Attachment Injury is a result of a problem that was there and eventually, it leads to an eruption, which creates a lot of harm and hurt but it also forces the couple to address that underlying problem. People talk about the need for forgiveness but forgiveness is not just a switch that we can turn on or off, there is an emotional journey needed to get to a place of true forgiveness and this process is that journey.