Sexual Problems in a Relationship

Humans are sexual beings and different people place different levels of importance on the sexual aspect of a relationship. For some it is the most important part and for others it sits low on the list of priorities. Some people place more importance on low level physical intimacy such as cuddles and kisses while for others, the sex itself is very important. People also have different libidos - some like to have sex every day and even several times a day while for others the desire comes once a week or even less. Some people need to feel an emotional connection in order to feel the desire to be intimate while others feel closer through sex. Some people like to be more adventurous in the bedroom while others enjoy more connected sex. Some need time and foreplay to get into the mood, while others are ready more quickly. We’re all different.

The reality is that you will never find anyone who has the exact same libido, likes the same things, enjoys sex at the same time, and is ready in the same way. On top of it, each person is struggling with stressors and pressures in their lives in different ways, which will also affect their desire. If one person feels overwhelmed and not assisted with the children or is coping with a lot of pressure at work, they may withdraw from physical intimacy with their partner.

It is easy to think that the key is to find someone who is more similar but in actual fact, couples can have the greatest of differences and have the healthiest of relationships. What is key is their mechanism for resolving differences. With a good mechanism for resolving differences, almost any difference is resolvable. This mechanism involves each partner opening up and sharing their thoughts and feelings on the issue in a way the other can hear and understand. When both partners can do this, it allows for all the relevant pieces to be on the table and then the couple can consider how to find them all together. While a lot of people would call this communication, the way we respond to our emotions is what will determine if the communication goes well or if the couple get stuck. There are some ways of expressing our feelings that will be more effective than others. For example, shutting down or resorting to anger are not going to help the partner understand your feelings.

The other thing that needs to be considered is if there are any individual sexual problems that are getting in the way. This could be erectile problems, vaginismus, premature ejaculation, pain, or such issues. Particular treatments are available for each of these problems.

Sexual problems can also arise from unresolved emotional wounds in the relationship such as an infidelity or being let down by a partner in a time of need. These issues can be healed with a process called ‘Attachment Injury Repair Process’ (see the information page on that topic).

Another cause of sexual problems is when one partner has fallen out of love with the other person. This is called ‘Detachment’. This would need to be carefully assessed by a therapist.

For many couples, learning to reconnect emotionally and communicate about their differences relating to either the physical intimacy or other differences that are getting in the way of the intimacy will be key. This is exactly what an effective couples counselling approach such as Emotionally Focused Therapy aims to do.