Lack of Emotional Support or Connection

Many people in a relationship feel that they are not getting the emotional support or level of connection they would like. This can be destructive to the relationship over the long term and can even lead to one partner falling out of love if it is severe enough and goes on for too long. But what exactly is emotional support? How is it different from emotional connection? What can you do about it if it is lacking in a relationship?

Let’s start with emotional support. We’re emotional creatures and we’ll be impacted by things almost every day. It could be feeling bored or stressed. It might be feeling lonely or upset after a conflict with someone. Some of these things might be particular events and others are feelings that build up over time. We may be aware of those feelings or not.

When we’re in a relationship, we expect our partner to support us emotionally and be there for us. It is part of being a team. The problem comes that our partner may struggle to understand our feelings or not know how to provide us what we need. This is made even harder by the fact that we may not know. Let’s take an example. One person comes back from a stressful day at work. They need space as their way of managing their stress is to distract themselves for a while before engaging with their family or partner. But someone else has had a stressful day and wants to talk about it. Or they need help with the chores to give themselves a break. Or just a hug. However, by not knowing what the person needs, the partner may provide the wrong thing - for example, solutions when the person just needs to be listened to. This is where the mechanism for resolving differences comes into the picture. We’re always going to need slightly different things from our partner in terms of emotional support and unless we can discuss these things, we’re going to get the wrong help at the wrong times. Or no help at all. It is also important that partners can resolve when their needs are clashing. For example, one person needs space at the same time their partner has a need to talk. Even if our partner is not providing us the emotional support we need, we can learn to both ask for it in a more effective way and for them to provide it through couples counselling. It is not something that is set in stone and is unchangeable.

Emotional connection is similar. We feel emotionally connected when our partner understands our feelings and is responsive to them. We’ll feel more emotionally connected when our partner is in touch with their own emotions and that will be necessary for them to understand our own feelings. This can be learnt though - it is not something that needs to stay that way. However, help is needed to make those changes as each person is doing the best they can in a relationship and if not best is not enough, they won’t be able to do more without someone guiding them. If you are wanting to make those changes, it is best to do it together in couples counselling rather than one or each person pursuing their own individual therapy. In couples counselling each partner hears and understands one another’s feelings and the impact they’re having on one other. This is key to creating the change. One person will learn to change the way they ask for help and the other will learn to provide it or express what is getting in the way, which the couple can then find a way through.