Lack of Emotional Support or Connection

Many people in a relationship feel that they are not getting the emotional support or level of connection they would like. This can be destructive to the relationship over the long term and can even lead to one partner falling out of love if it is severe enough and goes on for too long. But what exactly is emotional support? How is it different from emotional connection? What can you do about it if it is lacking in a relationship?

Emotional Support

We’re emotional creatures and we’ll be impacted by things almost every day. It could be feeling bored or stressed. It might be feeling lonely or upset after a conflict with someone. Some of these things might be particular events and others are feelings that build up over time. We may be aware of those feelings or not.

When we’re in a relationship, we expect our partner to support us emotionally and be there for us. It is part of being a team. The problem comes that our partner may struggle to understand our feelings or not know how to provide us what we need. This is made even harder by the fact that we may not know. Let’s take an example. One person comes back from a stressful day at work. They need space as their way of managing their stress is to distract themselves for a while before engaging with their family or partner. But someone else has had a stressful day and wants to talk about it. Or they need help with the chores to give themselves a break. Or just a hug. However, by not knowing what the person needs, the partner may provide the wrong thing - for example, solutions when the person just needs to be listened to. This is where the mechanism for resolving differences comes into the picture (which is discussed in length in the page ‘Resolving Differences in a Relationship’). We’re always going to need slightly different things from our partner in terms of emotional support (which includes the need for space) and unless we can discuss these things, we’re going to get the wrong help at the wrong times. Or no help at all.

In addition to our partner understanding our needs, what can also create a sense of disconnection or lack of support, is when each partner has needs that clash. For example, one person needs space at the same time their partner has a need to talk. For these moments, the couple will need the ability to resolve those clashing needs - which requires a well-functioning mechanism that was mentioned earlier ‘the mechanism for resolving differences’.

The good news is that even if our partner is not providing us the emotional support we need, we can learn to both ask for it in a more effective way and for them to provide it through couples counselling. It is not something that is set in stone and is unchangeable. This is where couples counselling comes into the picture. A good quality couples counselling will help the couple develop a better mechanism for resolving differences, which will allow them to resolve the issue of emotional support, connection, or any other difference they may face both now and in the future. This process involves each partner learning to hear and understand one another’s feelings and the way each partner is impacting the other. This is key to creating the change. One person will learn to change the way they ask for help and the other will learn to provide it or express what is getting in the way, which the couple can then find a way through. This type of transformation is needed as the reality is that each person is doing the best they can in a relationship and if not best is not enough, they won’t be able to do more without someone guiding them. Couples counselling is more effective than both doing than one or each person pursuing their own individual therapy as in most cases, both partners are contributing to the mechanism for resolving differences not working well.

Emotional connection

Emotional connection is somewhat different to emotional support but it is influenced by emotional support. An emotional connection is the close bond we form with certain people. The strongest and most important bond people have in their early years is to their caregiver or caregivers. There is a certain circuit in our brain that creates this bond, which relies heavily on the hormone oxytocin. That same circuit is used for adult romantic relationships and so just as we felt an emotional connection to our caregivers, we will go on to feel it for our romantic partner. The bond we feel comes from sharing moments together, caring for one another, laughing together, supporting one another, sharing thoughts and feelings, touch, and all those other ways we create that bond.

The emotional connection can become damaged though through things such as not spending time together, betrayals and breaking the trust (without repairing adequately), unhealthy conflict, a lack of touch, and not supporting the other. So if you feel a lack of connection, there are likely things that are not being adequately resolved in the relationship. This could be a result of the mechanism for resolving differences not working well (as discussed above and in a previous page), betrayals, or addictions. All these things can be repaired though and the connection regained, so long as the couple have not fallen out of love (see the page on falling out of love for details on that problem).