Addictions and Relationships
Our modern world is one of abundance compared to a world of scarcity that we lived in for most of our history. One consequence of this is that our brains are not well adapted to the modern world. One example of this is the way that some people develop an addiction, something that was essentially unheard of in a world of scarcity.
The key to understanding addictions is that they involve the pursuit of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that is linked to pleasure (the neurotransmitter serotonin, on the other hand, is linked to happiness). With dopamine, the receptors in the brain deplete and so more dopamine is needed to create the same feeling, hence why dopamine hits lead to addiction. Many different activities and substances create dopamine hits, including: alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, money gains, shopping, pornography, sugar, nicotine, video games, social media, smartphones, and ADHD medication. Some people are more predisposed to developing an addiction such as when they have ADHD.
In addition to the impact on the individual, addictions lead to a number of difficulties and impacts for a partner. The impact of addictions will depend on the type of addiction the person has, how extensive it is, how much it is hidden, and a range of other factors. For example, a smartphone addiction will have a very different effect on a partner compared to a severe alcohol addiction. That said, some potential consequences of one person’s addiction on their partner include:
Increased tendency towards dishonesty and lying, which erodes a key foundation of a relationship - trust
Not being themselves or present. For example, when someone is drunk, they are no longer present or themselves and this means we are not connecting with our partner
The creation of insecurity and anxiety for the partner. For example, alcohol is a behavioural disinhibitor and so we behave in ways we wouldn’t usually when we’ve drunk a lot. Violence, argumentativeness, hurtful comments, inability to help in the case of a crisis, likelihood of having an accident, infidelity, all become more likely when someone has drunk a few drinks. Whether the person is conscious of these risks or not, our limbic system, that is designed to detect threat, will.
Increased anxiety and mood swings for the person with an addiction, which in turn affects those around, notably their partner
Secondary effects such as not having money for activities together and being hungover
Another impact of certain addictions, notably substantial alcohol use, is that it can interfere with the ability for a couple to repair their relationship in couples counselling, even for problems that have nothing to do with the alcohol use. The reason for this is that many relational problems relate to the way we manage our emotions and alcohol is a method of regulating emotions and a highly effective one at that (in the short term anyway, it is highly ineffective in the long term). To address relationship problems effectively, a change in the way we respond to our emotions is often necessary but if alcohol is used to deal with emotions, the new skills are unlikely to be practiced and integrated outside of therapy. The new skills won’t be able to compete against the highly effective (in the short term) and dominant emotion regulation strategy of alcohol.
One of the challenges of working with addictions when they are present in a relationship is that addictions exist on a continuum and so the severity of the impact on the relationship needs to be explored. For example, someone who gambles once a year for the horse races or enjoys a glass or two of wine once a week is unlikely to have a detrimental impact on their partner (unless there has been a history of such activities being overused in which case the hypervigilance is an adaptive reaction). The therapist can help explore the extent of the impact of the addictive behaviour on the relationship and assist in determining if it would be necessary to address in order to help with the problems the couple are coming to therapy with. The therapist will also be able to assist in addressing the addiction or addictive behaviour in some cases or can provide options outside of the couples counselling if that would be better.