How do we reduce the conflict in our relationship?

We have conflict because we have differences that need to be resolved (we can also refer to this as having needs that we need met from the other person). The conflict occurs because we do not have a good mechanism to resolve conflict. Hence to reduce conflict, we need to develop a new, more effective way of resolving our differences. And of course, our partner needs to develop the same.

To effectively resolve differences, we need to be able to ‘send clear signals’ to our partner (and have them send clear signals back). Clear signals are sharing our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a way that our partner can understand. The sharing of emotions is essential for this because it is a universal language that everyone can understand and it also is a powerful motivator.

Let’s take the example of you feeling hurt by a comment your partner made yesterday. If you just tell them that they shouldn’t have made the comment, it is likely to either make them feel criticised, or it will become a discussion about whether such a comment was appropriate or not (and how can anyone win that debate!). However, if we can share the hurt we felt, it has a far greater chance of being understood by the other (we may not ourselves have felt hurt by such a comment but we know what it is like to feel hurt by a person’s words). Plus, because of our connection, the partner will feel that hurt that is being shared, and so they will be much more motivated to respond in a helpful way (apologise, be more careful next time etc).

There are a number of other components to clear signals but the sharing of emotions is the key. It is also not just any emotion, they need to be the ‘primary emotions’. Primary emotions are the first emotion we feel as a result of a situation or event. This is where often the work of therapy comes in, helping us identify and share those primary emotions.